The Life Manual and Depression

I used to wonder what depresion felt like till I stopped wondering about the what but about the when.

Depression isn't some phase you pass through and tell a story about how you just had to focus on seeing that beautiful light at the end of a tunnel and everything turned out alright.

No. Depression is like a being that latches onto you and refuses to let go even when you try your hardest to detach it from yourself.

Depression is feeling left behind in life situations where it seems like everybody got the "Life Manual" except you.

Depression is having no way of putting your feelings into words so you just do random impulsive things that makes some people think you're cool but deep down, you're just really reaching out for help.

Depression is consciously making a decision to stop making any effort with any activity even though you are aware of the consequences. you just do not care for those consequences.

Depression is disinterest in everything and laying in bed, facing the wall and crying your heart, eyes, brains and emotions out.

Depression is laughing with friends, colleagues and family when you'ld rather just lock yourself in a room, cut yourself and calm your loud mind the **** down.

Depression is doing a google search for the best way to harm yourself and deciding to just keep whatever information you find at the back of your mind but still harming yourself anyway. Because, why not.

Depression is making an effort to get help but backing out every single time. There is no particular reason for backing out.

Depression is faking every emotion and waiting to be alone so you can sit in your sadness, cry, indulge in some self harming activity and get back to faking your emotions.

Depression hurts and may involve impulsive acts. Either good or bad, something had to be done.

Depression is being doubtful about sharing how you truely feel because you do not want to come across as being too self indulgent.

Depression is pushing away people that genuinely care about you. Because actually caring about them is just too much stress you cannot be bothered with.

People find different ways to cope with life. Some have this "Life Manual" and they just manage everything. Some have no clue how to deal. Some find depression and Depression finds some.

Depression is a struggle.

I am still looking for a way around this depression and I hope that the solution is just around the corner because I honestly have no idea how long I can keep hanging on without my own Life Manual.

xx

C.I.